Married men, fuck them or not?

topic posted Thu, April 27, 2006 - 8:58 AM by  Carlos
Must be my catholic background, but I just don't feel right having sex with married men. I met a guy on the internet (do I love or hate the web...gets me in trouble all the time). He's a father of two and is so obssessed with me. He wants me to aknowledge him as the "lover" and wants me to accept this situation...I had to say no. I tried to break up and asked to be friends only. Does friendship include the sex? he asks. Now it's back to the same thing....that obssession with sex. What about the wife? I feel sorry for her. I asked him why not divorce her and then he'd be free to see me whenever (and I'd be rid of this guilt). I don't like being the home breaker slut. Is it ok to fuck a married man?
posted by:
Carlos
El Salvador
  • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

    Thu, April 27, 2006 - 9:52 AM
    You get bonus points for making a post complaining about how all gay men are shallow and afraid of committment, and then immedietly post that you're having sex with a married man :)
    • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

      Thu, April 27, 2006 - 10:22 AM
      I know....a former lover told me the other day how contradictory I am, so why does he bother to return to tell me? Guess, I better get it straight. Anyway, aside from telling me the obvious, what do you really think about married men?
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        Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

        Thu, April 27, 2006 - 10:34 AM
        Men are cool. Men who are married are cool . I have had two as fuck buddies. They liked me. I liked them. I liked their wives. Their wives liked me. Everyone knew what was what and it was a lot of fun. Like you have stated you do, I would not feel comfortable having sex with a straight or gay married man if his partner was not aware.

        There's a loaded psychological minefield out there to wander in and discover surrounding all the "baggage" that might cause a person to date or have sex with someone who isn't available, if what they are truly desiring is intimacy. Then again, if everyone is aware and only in it for a good time....GO FOR IT!
        • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

          Thu, April 27, 2006 - 10:57 AM
          That's exactly my point, Cliff. He should tell his wife about it and accept whatever she has to say. If she chooses not to accept it, that's fine, if she chooses to agree with that, then great. For my part, I have a difficult time with my emotions (as a scorpio everything is emotions). I try to avoid him but then he calls and says something wonderful. We should live in a world without emotions, as my friend seems to think. Sex as a mechanical process without emotions is not viable for me...maybe that's why I started that other thread. I just told him he has to find someone else, told him twice in fact, he keeps coming back...
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            Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

            Thu, April 27, 2006 - 11:31 AM
            Carlos, his decision to tell his wife is his and his alone. You sticking to your principles or not is your decision. Don't pawn off the responsibility of your own convictions on him. He is married. If you are not OK with that...MOVE ON!
      • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

        Wed, September 13, 2006 - 11:06 AM
        in simple terms, infidelity is infidelity, would you trust this married man as your partner, knowing that he betrayed his wife to get to you?
        i wouldn't. and even if she knew, do you want a relationship with a person (man) who cann't really be with you, meaning you are always second best?
        if being the alternative (bitch on the side, punk on the DL, the other (wo)man,) to someone is a turn on then my point is mute
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    Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

    Thu, April 27, 2006 - 10:12 AM
    If you don't like being the "home-wrecker slut", then stop being the home wrecker slut. If you don't feel right having sex with a married man, stop having sex with a married man. I'm making no judgment, just pointing out the obvious. You are thinking with your heart and acting with your dick, much like the men you described that you dislike. That seems a bit hypocritical.

    Of course, if the wife is aware that you and your married man are fucking each other and she is ok with that....ENJOY!

    And I don't mean to be harsh on you, Carlos, but you stated your "ethics" in your post, but are not following through with the acts that make them valid. Just a thought.
    • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

      Thu, April 27, 2006 - 10:19 AM
      This thread reminds me of a column in which sex advice columnist Dan Savage once discussed all the issues and problems in dealing with men who are married. His column ended with a wonderful double entendre, which he put in caps:

      LET THEM FUCK EACH OTHER.

      If one is seeking some kind of relationship with another person, I would strongly advise to find people who don't have other emotional committments.
    • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

      Thu, April 27, 2006 - 10:26 AM
      I know.....I just wrote about being contradictory. My best friend told me the other day it'd be better if we lived in "A Brevae New World". While that world happens I'll guess I'll go on being my complicated self. Anyway, what do you really think?I was just talking to him and when the sex thing is pushed aside he can be a really neat guy...
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        Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

        Thu, April 27, 2006 - 11:13 AM
        I think real character is built when we learn to stick to our principles -knowing that as we grow in life they can change- and deny our self sometimes. The ego is pretty demanding, don't give it everything wants and see how you change as a person by sticking to your guns.
  • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

    Thu, April 27, 2006 - 11:22 AM
    heh. my gut reaction is that its kind of hot. my judgemental reaction is that they're pathetic closet cases. my imagination says its almost like fucking a straight dude and nothing is hotter than fucking straight dudes. especially with kids imho. something about a guy with kids is hot to me. so virile. kind of makes their cum seem more powerful and significant.
  • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

    Thu, April 27, 2006 - 1:43 PM
    I met a guy through a boot fetish site who actually lives close to me. Found out he was a professor at the local university. Not immediately my type but he ended up being a pretty good kisser. Nearing the end of our second "get together" he says something like "If only I could live this kind of life..." I asked what he meant and he said, "Oh, I'm married." We talked for a little while about it and he didn't want to give up the "life" of a socially established professional. I told him that we could be friends but I wouldn't be his excuse for cheating on his wife.

    Well, I ran into him from time to time...sometimes with his wife who is an "important person" in the university administration. Then, about a year ago I see him with his wife and he won't even make eye contact with me. And then I find out that his wife has found out that he's fucking guys but they decide to stay living together.

    Finally, a few weeks ago he shows up at my house telling me that he's getting a divorce and he wants to "be gay." I really want to support this guy for finally dealing with some of the issues, but, you know what? It's a kind of drama I can live without. I'll get my drama on TV--at least there are commercial breaks.
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    Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

    Fri, April 28, 2006 - 4:34 PM
    Telling of a man who has to contemplate the question. But, so it goes. The answer is no. To do it is one thing, but not to know wrong is wrong is a spiritual red flag, dude.
    • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

      Fri, April 28, 2006 - 7:52 PM
      I dated a guy who was in the closet and had a girlfriend "for show"... i was more uncomfortable because there is this other party...a woman...who most of the time has no clue. I don't think gay men who fuck married men think about the "other" party...as if because she is a woman unknowingly (or sometimes sorta knowingly) in love with a man who is fucking another man. I always sense some kind of removal if it's another woman. I personally would not go there again...despite the fact my ex got the girlfriend during our relationship and not before. But, yeah.............. I tend to feel really bad for the woman involved and I wont allow anything else...

      however i'm sure at least twice i've fooled with a married a guy who just didnt tell me he was married. One guy in particular way after the fact, I saw at a grocery store with a woman who certainly looked to be his spouse. I kept thinking.... "Gosh...does she have an idea her husband likes to get fucked...and likes to swallow Semen?" ahem! My semen.
      • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

        Fri, April 28, 2006 - 10:09 PM
        and...another note: You have to consider 'what type of man would do this to another 'being'? Lie to his wife, and fuck you...... That is a coward in my opinion and someone who has some degree of dupliciousness in him. The fact remains that he has to LIE, to someone. It's almost like when guys who get with guys who are in relationships and then the guy in the previous relationship leaves his partner (male or female) for you and months later, you become scared and vulnerable with a sinking feeling when he doesnt come home on time or starts to avoid you at certain times of day... then you come to find out he's cheating on you with someone else.... and You get hurt and angry and gather a complex.
        • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

          Fri, April 28, 2006 - 10:18 PM
          AND....lol..... It does NOT matter whether it is a male or a female. Some guys get coaxed into thinking that if the other partner is a woman then your relationship with this married or partnered male is somehow more valid because he is 'gay'....when that really isn't the case in my opinion.... a LIE and a constant string of lies especially those involving a relationship where other peoples emotions are involved...is a LIE.... I think if you look at it that way...then it's obvious a married or partnered guy... no matter how 'hot' the scenario of turning out a straight dad who is married and coaches little league IS..... You are deffinitely guilty by association...and really................ there's no chance that relationship can last. Even if he left his wife....shacks up with you... you got reverb...the fantasy is over.. if he has kids.... Child support..... wife...alimony..... and you'll forever be tied to nasty situation.... and you're helping him fuck over his girl. That's not right...and the Karma police will come get cha.

          period.
        • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

          Sat, April 29, 2006 - 9:53 AM
          Well I wouldnt be so quick to condemn the questioning guy. It may have been easier fo you to come out young, but at 30+ when you have a wife and kids, and you realise that its really dick that turns you on. Rough stuff.

          On the other hand, im not going to enable to the person.... Hes gotta ruin that womans and kids life all by himself.

          Now wouldnt it all just be easier if we humans admitted to one another that we can't be all things to each other, that monogamy was an artificial and unhealthy construct and that it really *doesnt* matter who you stick your dick in as long as you heart stays true to the one you love?

          Jealousy is born out of lack of self-confidence. "If you screw around you might find someone who you love more!"

          Let go. If you're good enough, that wont happen. And if it does happen. Then wouldnt you want the person you love to be with the person -they- connect most with? Of course this is all idealism, and even I have problems with the implementation. But its something to think about.
          • Re: Married men, fuck them or not?

            Sat, April 29, 2006 - 11:48 PM
            what are you looking for that you imagine is in sex with random people other than the one you love? and what makes you think its there?

            disassociating sex and intimacy is a choice not an inherent aspect of sexuality. why should we make that choice?


            "Now wouldnt it all just be easier if we humans admitted to one another that we can't be all things to each other, that monogamy was an artificial and unhealthy construct and that it really *doesnt* matter who you stick your dick in as long as you heart stays true to the one you love? "
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    Re: Married to whom?

    Sat, April 29, 2006 - 1:42 PM
    I have definitely had more relationships with married men, or men who were supposed to be "straight" , than I've had with Gay men. Some have been secretly Gay, and some are truly hetero, but they like men too. ( I guess you'd call them "bi", but they tend to call themselves "straight".) The Kinsey scale covers a lot of territory. Anyway, you seem to be more interested in the moral aspects of extra-marital sex, than the underlying causes. So here is my moral take on the subject:

    A lot of Gay men are married to women for the obvious reasons.... I don't feel bad at all about sleeping with them. They are seeking something they can't get at home, and if they can go out and get laid, and still have a happy hetero home life, that's the lifestyle they've chosen. It's actually their marriage that's immoral, not the affairs.

    I try to never sleep with Gay men who are involved or "married" to other men. In that case, I would be interfering in a viable relationship. That offends me morally, but I guess there could be exceptions.

    Whether or not to have sex with a married man is a simple matter. Either you do it or you don't, and it's over in an hour. Falling in love with a married man is just an invitation to disaster. It doesn't end when he goes home to his spouse, and you can't just wash it off. I wouldn't ever consider a serious romantic involvement with a married man. Playing around is one thing, divided loyalties are another. It's not a moral issue. If you fall in love with a married person, you are competing with the spouse for time and affection, and somebody's bound to get hurt.
    • Re: Married to whom?

      Sun, April 30, 2006 - 4:49 PM
      >> If you fall in love with a married person, you are competing with the spouse for time and affection, and somebody's bound to get hurt.

      EXACTLY.

      "fucking" (as in no-strings-attached "casual sex" with) a married man is one thing.

      getting emotionally involved with him is another thing entirely.

      Carlos, you are setting yourself up for shitloads of pain if you are looking for any kind of romantic "relationship" with a married guy.

      i personally prefer not to get involved with a "married" man unless his spouse is cool with it. a man who would lie and cheat on his spouse isn't someone i would want to connect with sexually.

      i myself am not into monogamy, but i respect other people who are and i think that monogamy is a healthy choice for many couples. but this world would be better off if people who wanted to fuck around would stop pretending that they're willing to be monogamous and instead admit openly that they want to be sexually involved with more than one person. . . .
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        Re: Married to whom?

        Sun, April 30, 2006 - 11:45 PM
        Now that the concept of marriage has been broadened to include same sex civil/domestic partnerships, this discussion should similarly expand to review one of a same sex couple playing away from home. And how do you guys in a long term apparently monogamous gay relationship cope with infidelity?

        On separating sex from love, how can one not be touched emotionally when so completely connected to another person? The skill is in handling the emotion.
        • Re: Married to whom?

          Mon, May 1, 2006 - 1:21 AM
          the question is what is so desirable about having sex without that connection. i don't judge it particularly but i'm highly skeptical when people assert that it's somehow emotionally healthier. it seems to me to be a searching for something that is not there.
        • Re: Married to whom?

          Sat, May 6, 2006 - 10:51 AM
          "And how do you guys in a long term apparently monogamous gay relationship cope with infidelity?"

          Um, there is none. If my man has time to be screwing someone else he has time to be with me.
          • Re: Married to whom?

            Sat, May 6, 2006 - 10:53 AM
            I don't care cause I know a lot of guys can't find all they want with one person. I'm very open and ok with it all as long as everythings safe. But I know that's not for everyone